“Man never listens”, is narrated at the beginning of M.Night Shyamalan’s latest offering. Prophetic words where this film is concerned! Although aware of all the muck that Shyamalan’s latest had been critically awarded, I was reluctant to buy the bad vibes. You see, I’m one of those who just happened to like “The Village”.

But this time round the critics were right - there are no words to describe how terrible this film is. Truly wonder if I could do any justice either, since it has already been torn to shreds by the best in film criticism. My heart bleeds for the likes of Paul Giamatti & Jeffrey Wright (two awesome talents), who were misled into this project. For chrissakes, didn’t anyone see the rushes at all?

It is purported to be a modern day fable - probably made for cable. I mean, this thing wouldn’t get past the HBO’s office peon. I was found to be alternately abusive (at the exploitation of such good actors) and laughing (at the hokey script and dialogues) while viewing the flick.

Plotwise (dear JC, need I really?) it’s abt a building supe (Paul Giamatti) who comes across a sea nymph known as a “narf” (here I go laughing my ass off!) in his swimming pool! (gimme a sec guys, while I collect myself).
Where was I? Oh yeah, this sea nymph (anaemic-looking Bryce Dallas Howard) has come to relay something of significance to a vessel (not a commode), and is being threatened by the wolf-like grassy creatures called “scrunts” (shit! this is too funny).
So, anyways - our supe along with some people staying at the motel decides to help this lady in her goal , and send her back (with an eagle, no less) without letting the fearsome scrunts have their way with her. Seriously, that is the plot (which I believe was zealously guarded during the shoot. They shouldn’t have bothered). There’s bit more - but am not interested in going about it.

Pros - very meagre, gotta scrape the surface. The SFX (scrunt effects), perhaps?
Cons - Where do I begin? Bad characterizations (one dimensional?), some major miscasting (WTF is Shyamalan doing in this film? Dude’s a constipated performer of a special order), nauseatingly cliched dialogues mouthed by straigh-faced veterans, annoying characters (Bob Balaban as an anal film critic. Shyamalan is makin a very strong point with this character) and a flow that would make Ed Wood prance with glee.

A movie so bad, from a director who’s highly regarded, with couple of actors that are pure gold is gonna jump start the home version of the drive-in midnight madness, and gain cult status in the process!

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for some frightening sequences.
Runtime: 110 mins.
Cast: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sarita Choudhary
Director: M. Night Shyamalan